Building Boundaries for Mental Clarity

Vikki da Rocha
Apr 1
6 min read

When did "no" become a dirty word?

Somewhere along the way, we started to believe that being kind meant being constantly available, that love meant saying yes, even when our gut whispered no, that putting ourselves last was some noble sacrifice, that we could somehow find our worthiness by not mattering as much, that if we just made sure everything was "done" for everyone else, then we could think about ourselves.

But here's what I've come to understand through my own life and through the brilliant work of Dr Shefali:

Boundaries are not tools to control others.

They are expressions of our self-worth.

They don't exist to push people away.

They exist to pull us back home to ourselves.

I know a lot about what has shifted for me over the years, especially through my toughest moments of mental clutter. And each time I step back and explore what wasn't working, it often leads me to the same spot: I had forgotten my worth in the equation. I hadn't even considered putting in boundaries to support my mental health because why should I? I wasn't the priority. Everything else mattered more, right? And if I focused on everything else, it would eventually all work out.

But it didn't. I found myself slowly destroying myself: in my thoughts, with food, with alcohol, with busyness that looked productive but felt hollow. I felt numb in the middle of a beautiful life. Would you have known? No. Why? Because I put everyone else first. I said yes to everything. And pleased, pleased, pleased (everyone else).

During my life coaching training, I wrote this metaphor about boundaries, and I would like to share it with you today:

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Imagine, just for a moment, that life is like a delicious, multi-layered cake.

It's indulgent.

Each layer is more tempting than the last.

You've got all the flavours, zesty lemon, soft whipped cream, and thick layers of rich chocolate that feel like comfort itself.

There are sprinkles that make your eyes light up.

Fluffy frosting, little surprises, and even the occasional crunchy bit that catches you off guard but eventually passes.

It smells divine.

You're drawn in.

You want to grab a spoon (who needs a plate?) and dig in.

But, like our favourite pair of jeans, we all have limits.

Still, we keep saying yes.

Because we don't want to miss out.

We don't want to be awkward.

And we definitely don't want to upset Granny, who insists we finish every last bite.

So we keep going.

More layers. More plates. More yeses.

Until full becomes too full.

And what once felt joyful now just feels heavy.

But what if we could say no? Not with guilt or fear, but with calm, grounded confidence, like a vegetarian at a meat-laden BBQ.

Not angry. Just sure of themselves.

What if we didn't need to try every slice to feel like we'd had enough?

What if saying no was simply a way of saying:

"This bit isn't for me right now. I'm saving space for what matters most."

Saying no is not about missing out.

It's about making space for your wants, needs, and values.

Perhaps no is the moment you start choosing yourself.

And maybe no turns out to be the sweetest slice of all.

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Like cake, we sometimes forget that saying no to honour our time, space, and values isn't selfish. It's wise.

We fall into the trap of thinking that "having it all" means saying yes to everything. But as a massive cake lover, I can tell you it often leaves me bloated, tired, and slightly gassy. (Sorry, tummy.)

So why do we uphold boundaries for others but drop them for ourselves? We can be told at work to stay focused on our tasks, yet at home, we carry the world. And if we're being sincere, how many of us take on the world at work, too? No wonder we crumble.

So many of the women I work with carry an invisible load. The mental clutter spins around and within them. They're exhausted. Their minds are full. Their calendars are fuller. And their inner voice? Usually lost in the noise.

As we untangle the feeling of overwhelm, the limiting beliefs and the spiralling thoughts, we often land in the same place:

It's not just a scheduling problem.

It's a boundary problem.

But I'm not talking about boundaries slapped on as rules, hoping others behave better. I'm talking about actual boundaries that start from within, with our values, self-awareness, and honesty about how we want to show up.

I had a moment recently at the gym with my sister-in-law that brought all of this to life. We'd decided that instead of catching up over food, we'd work out together to do something that made us feel good. So we did.

No make-up, just gym gear (yes, I brushed my teeth; you're welcome, beautiful sister-in-law). We started sweating and chatting between sets. She told me she had decided to work out only on the weekends. She was tired of trying to fit everything in. Be up at 4am to work out, then rush to get the kids ready, herself ready, and into the office by 7.30am. Eighteen hours of being "on." She was spent. So, she stopped trying, instead of feeling guilty and trying to squeeze it in when she could, after everything else was done… which, of course, it never really was. What she said blew me away: "I decided to put me first."

My heart sang.

She looked at her life and made a decision. Weekdays were too intense. So now, she protects her weekends. She trains for a few hours on the weekend, breaking it up but making it work. And only once her session is done will she team up with her hubby to do the life admin.

It's her game-changer. She's not angry. She's not waiting for permission.

She's just clear. Her value is self-care. And now, she's living it.

That's what Dr Shefali teaches so powerfully:

Boundaries are not about changing others.

They're about choosing ourselves.

When we set boundaries from worth instead of guilt or fear, they don't feel like punishments. They feel like freedom.

From that place, we stop abandoning ourselves to keep the peace, stop overexplaining, overapologising, and overdoing, and start creating lives that reflect our values, not our obligations.

So, I began thinking…

For those of you feeling this letter deep in your bones, what are three ways you can begin building boundaries the right way? And I have come up with these three things.

Three Momentum Steps to Build Boundaries from Within

1. Anchor into a value, not a fear.

Most people skip this part. Boundaries created by frustration or burnout rarely hold, while boundaries created by values become clear and sustainable.

Ask yourself:

What value am I honouring with this boundary?
What happens to me mentally, emotionally, even physically when I ignore it?

This is where your "yes" lives. When you know what you're saying yes to, saying no becomes less guilt-laced and more grounded.

Let your boundary be a reflection of who you are, not a reaction to what's gone wrong.

2. Own your boundary and release their reaction.

This one's tricky but vital.

We often think boundaries are about getting others to act differently. However, actual boundaries are about how you choose to act when your needs are clear.

Ask yourself:

Have I made my boundary dependent on someone else changing?
If so, what can I take responsibility for instead?

For example:

"If my partner keeps interrupting my quiet time, I'll get upset" becomes... "If I need quiet time, I'll go for a walk or close the door."

You can't control other people's reactions or behaviours. But you can control your response. That's where the power lives.

3. Practice quiet, conscious detachment.

You don't need everyone to understand your boundary to be valid.

You don't need to announce it with a speech. You don't need a script. You need clarity and practice. Boundaries that are deeply rooted don't shout. They don't justify. They're held with quiet confidence.

Ask yourself:

Am I setting this boundary because it looks good?
Or because it feels true to my values?

So many of us come unstuck here. We want to be respected and liked. But often, choosing yourself means choosing discomfort for a moment so you can choose alignment for a lifetime. Let the boundary exist without fanfare.

It's enough that you know it's there.

So, if your mind is feeling cluttered lately, start by asking:

What am I tolerating that's costing me my peace?

And what boundary could I set that brings me closer to myself?

Because you don't need to build walls.

You just need to honour yourself with love and with clarity.

And when you do?

You'll find your mind quieter, your time more intentional, and your heart more at home with itself.

And maybe, just maybe, when life offers up its big, layered cake again…

You'll glance at your spoon, smile softly, and say:

"No, thank you. I'm saving room for the sweetest slice."

With love,