The craving for certainty
- 11 hours ago
- 7 min read
Certainty.
It's an interesting concept.
This week, it's been sitting heavily on my mind because of a conversation I had with a client going through a huge career transition. Naturally, the career change has brought a massive wave of uncertainty for them, and it's got me thinking deeply about how much certainty we, as humans, crave in our lives.
Tony Robbins speaks about certainty as one of our six core human needs, and honestly, it makes complete sense. We all want to feel safe. Grounded. Secure. We want to know things will be okay.
But what fascinates me is this.
Most people attach certainty to external things.
A house.
Money.
A relationship.
Routine.
A job title.
Someone else's behaviour.
Someone else reassuring them that everything will work out.
One of the biggest challenges with certainty is whether yours is based on external factors or on other people's actions. If this is the case, certainty can never be guaranteed.
Jobs change.
Money changes.
Relationships change.
People change.
Life changes.
What happens when the things you attached your certainty to unexpectedly shift?
That's the piece I really wanted to unpack this week, because maybe the deeper work is bringing certainty back to the self.
What, within yourself, can you actually be certain of? And honestly, my own relationship with certainty has taken years to consciously understand.
Until 2013, all I did was consciously search for certainty. Then Mum passed away in 2013 while we were living in the UK, and honestly, I think that's where something quietly shifted inside me. Her passing was incredibly sudden. One moment, there was a diagnosis, and then a month later, she was gone. I think that kind of shock plays havoc with your relationship with certainty in the world.
It was slow and quiet to begin with.
I started to notice the nervous pain in my body, it was a physical need to make sure everything was in its place at home, I had to make sure the big family get-togethers kept happening, and without question, I was the one to host everyone, making sure they all felt okay, felt happy – this I could control.
I particularly remember the first Christmas without Mum, only three months after she passed away. I was so hell-bent on making sure everyone felt the Christmas cheer that I put up two trees and over-catered with every possible meat and traditional dish, so much so that we had food for days. And it just kept everyone going with drinks, coffee, breakfasts, blankets, and pillows. It was freezing in England after all.
I just kept serving, and looking back now, I can see I had placed certainty into ensuring everyone remained okay. This kept playing out through the years.
At work, I made sure every area was covered, nothing left to chance. What I was avoiding was being surprised. I planned and overplanned every possible option.
Then, in 2015, we moved to Australia, and honestly, it was such an upheaval and emotional break to leave. My heart was so confused, but I held onto the certainty that this would make us happy, that we needed this.
So, I controlled everything.
The removalists.
The items we kept.
The things we gave away.
The lawyers.
The paperwork.
Everything.
I had certainty. Arriving in Sydney, I knew nothing, but Jorge was my constant, so I clung to him like mad, which meant I relied heavily on how he behaved to build my certainty.
Why is he quiet?
Why is he not smiling?
Is everything okay?
Are we okay?
Constant checking in and each house move after that, my need for certainty, order and control was no longer as quiet as I would like, it was running my life.
I would love to have people over and then spend three hours cleaning once they leave, just to recreate my safe, certain space again. By the time we had Amelia… well, nothing can really stay certain once you become a parent, but I still clung to it.
Long hours of cleaning. Baking. Fixing anything that felt out of place while Amelia napped. Clinging with all my breath to this external version of certainty.
Then, at my lowest, when I couldn't find the strength anymore to control the certainty around me, I remember reaching out, putting on Adele, Mum's favourite music, and just crying, asking for some peace inside my mind. Deep down, I knew something important. I knew I had to work on the grief from losing Mum to move forward and remove this internal nervous pain of controlling certainty.
That was the beginning.
I started NLP and Matrix Therapy™. I went on my journey unravelling the patterns that played in my head. The truth underneath the "I'm okay", and honestly, I cried for my mum. I spoke to her about her death, and I unpacked things I had buried for years.
Slowly, I started to realise something huge. I had been silently clinging to certainty so I would never again feel bulldozed by grief and loss. This process of understanding how to rebuild my certainty has been a deep, personal journey for more than 6 years now.
Do I still wobble sometimes? Absolutely. But now I know it's usually only a short spin before I reset and remember what I am truly certain of.
My love.
My kindness.
My presence with people.
The certainty I seek lives inside my own heart, nowhere else.
When I hear my clients talking, and I see their fears rise as the certainty they placed in the external world around them begins to shake, I sit right beside them, holding their hand as we slowly bring that certainty back to the truth.
That it lives within themselves.
Not in objects.
Not in houses.
Not in job titles.
Not in money.
Not in other people's behaviours.
It's in the quiet choices they make every single day.
I am certain I will love my family today.
I am certain I will do my best today.
I am certain I will show kindness today.
I am certain I will smile today.
I am certain I will keep going today.
I am certain I will show up with the best emotional capacity I have in this moment.
That is where certainty truly begins. Not in controlling the world around us, but in trusting who we are within it. One of the greatest privileges of my life is that I get to guide and teach through NLP and Matrix Therapy™ as well.
To gently help clients untangle the patterns underneath the "I'm okay". And to help them recognise where fear, grief, loss and old conditioning have quietly shaped the certainty they cling to and to help them stop searching for emotional safety in everything outside of themselves.
When someone begins rebuilding certainty from within, something shifts.
They begin to breathe differently, stop gripping so tightly to the external world around me, and slowly begin to trust themselves again. Because they finally realise they have the strength to meet whatever life places in front of them.
Your friend,
Vikki
In this blog, I've shared just a glimpse of a few NLP concepts and techniques. If this sparks your curiosity and you'd like to explore more, or even consider becoming an NLP Practitioner yourself, we'd be delighted to welcome you to our in-person NLP certification training. Our next sessions are scheduled to run in Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane in 2026. We'd love to see you at one of these NLP training sessions.
Click here to learn more about our NLP Certification Training and secure your place.
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