When Social Anxiety Makes You Want to Run for the Door
- Vikki da Rocha
- Aug 14
- 4 min read
I have always been described as an extrovert. I get involved in conversations, laugh, and tell stories, but what the outside world doesn't see is my internal narrative. This battle goes on when I am going to meet people I don't fully know, join a networking group, or go into a place I haven't been before.
I remember my first big networking event. I was up early, preparing my introduction pitch and practising it. The makeup went on, the outfit that made me feel confident but comfortable was chosen, and I got in the car, talking out loud to myself as I drove.
I remember waiting a few minutes before going in. I didn't want to be the first one there (truthfully, I had 20 minutes to wait). My heart was fluttering, and I kept saying, You've got this, Vikki. You've got this.
I walked in smiling and said hello. Then people asked me about my business… My carefully practised speech came tumbling out, but it didn't really land. I messed it up and started to get lost in my head. I became awkward, asking them what they did but not truly listening, my internal thoughts of RUN GET OUT OF THERE were screaming at me. This was one of those moments when social anxiety makes you want to run, and it hit me hard.
My coffee order hadn't arrived, and I saw this as my way out. "Let me go check on my coffee," I heard myself say as I excused myself from the main room. I stood at the counter and spoke to the barista, who kindly said, "Sure, no problem, we can do the order. You don't have to wait; I'll bring it to you." My first thought was, (F£$K) I don't have an excuse to stay outside.
I stood for a moment, considering running and getting out of there. Maybe people wouldn't notice if I left. I could just hang out in my car, then go home and tell Jorge it all went well. That seemed very appealing.
Looking back on that moment, I realise I had made this networking event mean more than just connecting and getting to know people. I had made it mean the potential of my livelihood, that this moment would determine if I succeeded or failed, and that any mistake would be deadly.
In a split second, I had a choice. Even though I felt sweaty and awkward, I reminded myself of what I often tell clients: 85% of our internal thoughts are negative. That means most people are so focused inwards, judging themselves, that at least half the people in that room probably also felt nervous, awkward, and vulnerable.
That's when I decided to stop making it about me and start making it about them, to connect, to be kind and to be curious.
Was it tough? Hell yes. Did I still mess up? More than you can imagine. But did I go back into the room and walk out prouder? One hundred per cent.
Why this happens
My first thought in situations like this is, Oh God, I hope I don't mess it up! The problem with that thought is that it triggers a flood of imposter syndrome, "not good enough" vibes, and a full-blown army of worst-case scenarios marching through the brain. The unconscious mind then tries to protect us by keeping us safe, postponing the meeting, maybe next week will be better, going to get a coffee, hiding in the loo, or burying yourself in your phone.
Notice the common thread? Those thoughts are all focused on ourselves, how we'll look, sound, or act in front of others. When we turn inwards like that, the awkwardness begins.
Humans are wired to scan for small social cues to check safety and common ground. If we're spiralling in self-doubt, we give off "stay away" vibes, and people instinctively do just that.
Here's the truth: most people are thinking about themselves, not about you. Even when we say, "I don't want someone to dislike me," it's still about our fear, not them.
Dr Julie Smith, in her book Open When… (a favourite, if you haven't got it, go get it!), says 48% of adults feel shy and worry about what they're going to say in public. That's almost half the people in any networking event or meeting you walk into. You are never alone in this.
Those who seem confident? Their secret is that they focus on the people they're about to meet.
The shift
I once spoke to a client who longed to connect with new people but stayed stuck with familiar friends. Why? They were trapped in their head, worrying about what to say next, how to sound clever, and how not to look stupid.
When we reframed their thinking, we realised: if you want to connect with people, it has to be about the people, not about you.
That's the golden syrup of socialising. When you pour your attention onto others, getting to know them, helping them feel welcome, asking about their lives, you send the signal that you're warm, friendly, and genuinely interested.
No one is born confident at a strange, unfamiliar gathering. Those who make it look easy have simply trained themselves to focus outwards. No hidden agenda, no "I'll only talk if I can get something" vibe, just pure curiosity.
How to try this yourself
As Dale Carnegie says in How to Win Friends and Influence People: "To be interesting, be interested."
Consider: What is this social interaction for?
Get it out: Write down all your thoughts, good and bad, so you can see them clearly.
Check in: Are the "bad" thoughts based on fear? (False Evidence Appearing Real?)
Find the outcome: What would be a great result from this meeting?
Achieve it correctly: To get there, be present, listen, and genuinely connect. Be interested in them before you try to be interesting.
Each time you get out there and talk, it gets a little lighter, a little easier. There will still be nerves; that's normal. But you'll know you have everything you need, because it was never about us in the first place.
All we need to do is show up, focus on those around us, and let curiosity lead the way.
You've got this. And so do I.
Your friend in socialising
Vikki
