When Leadership Hurts: A Truth We Don’t Talk About

This week I got pissed off, and I mean really pissed off.

I've been listening to incredible women who are strong, fiery, and just bloody amazing, and they're feeling caught up in knots and twists. They're unsure, worried, panicked, and they feel like their only option is maybe to leave something they've worked so hard for. Their confidence is low. They can't focus. And despite all the incredible roles they play: keeping humans alive at home, fulfilling family roles, caring for elderly parents, and being the support champions for friends, then just one act, one person, can have the power to take it all away.

This is what it looks like when leadership hurts.

The sad truth is, when I reflect on all their stories and even my own, it's not always about a toxic workplace culture or outdated systems. More often, it's something more personal. And lately, I keep hearing the same pattern: it's not a man, not a faceless executive, but another woman. A colleague. A manager. A leader. Someone who should have had their back but didn't.

This week, I've had the great privilege of supporting a Master Trainer in NLP as part of my future goals. While sitting in class, she showed us a video. It is a simple clip that illustrates how a network of thoughts creates a belief. It's known in the science world as growing a new neural pathway. I like to think of the fantastic Disney movie Inside Out (if you haven't seen it, please do; it'll help you make sense of your brain, even as an adult). In the cartoon, you see how Riley creates new thoughts and paths that look like lightning strings. These eventually become her self-beliefs.

That's what neural pathways are. And over just seven days of repeated thought, you can create a whole new network of beliefs.

So, I've been thinking about those who've shared their stories and battle scars, the ex-bosses, the bad work moments, and the people who influenced them so negatively that they were left feeling horrible, stressed, overwhelmed, unworthy, and broken. And the part that hits me hardest? In most cases, the person who caused this wasn't even a significant figure in their life. They were just a blip, yet the impact was lasting.

This happens because those people trigger a high emotional state inside us, whether they are aware of it or not. It could be the way they reacted in a moment where support was needed, not criticism. It could be a moment when you needed to believe they were going to look after you, and they didn't. And you know that phrase, "thrown under the bus"? Well, when someone doesn't back you when they push their agenda at your expense, and you feel that trust is broken, it genuinely feels like being thrown under a bus.

Here's the kicker: your unconscious mind doesn't know the difference between real and not real. It doesn't register that the "bus" is a figure of speech. So, it processes that betrayal as a deep, real, physical pain.

And when you have to see that person every day, speak to them on Zoom, and report to them directly, your brain builds a whole network dedicated to them. And it's not a great one.

How crazy is that?

Someone who, in the grand scheme of your life, is a mere speck of dust somehow gains enough influence to make you consider giving up your dreams, changing roles, shifting identities, or - in most cases - shrinking yourself.

So, why do we let this happen?

And I say we because I've been there. I got the T-shirts. I wear the badge. And it stings.

These people don't have that much power.  If they did, they'd be supervillains. We're the ones who gave them the power. We let them in. We allowed what they said to mean something. We let their behaviour affect us. We connected what they did or said to older, deeper hurts, multiplying the intensity.

And I'm putting my foot down.

It's taken me years, many tears, and considerable rebuilding to reach this point. I now know that people won't always align with me. We won't always get along. But we can be neutral. We can choose not to be affected by someone else's way of working and succeeding.

Here are a few techniques to help you reclaim your power back from anyone who leaves you feeling stressed at work, unappreciated, nervous, second-guessing and downright awful.

I have to start with this note: That person doesn't make you feel that way. They behave in a way not aligned with you, and then a feeling and thoughts are associated with it. And I repeat this because, as of this line, we never let someone have that power to make us feel a certain way – reclaim our emotions.

1. Stay at Cause

The biggest lesson I've learnt through coaching is this: we always have the power to choose. We can either stay in crappy, blame mode or choose to own our space, our moment, our power.

Here's the equation I live by:

CAUSE > EFFECT

When you're at cause, you own your emotions, values, and beliefs; you're strong, courageous, assertive, grateful, loving, open, and you shine. You choose how you show up. You stay in alignment. You don't get swept up in the office gossip or drawn into negativity.

And here's something wild I've learnt: your unconscious mind doesn't know the difference between talking about others and talking about yourself. So when you say, "She is so lazy" or "She's so fake," your brain hears, "I am so lazy." If you say it often enough, it becomes part of your inner narrative.

When you're in effect, you blame, you react, you procrastinate, you shrink. You tell yourself the reason you feel crappy is because of them.

But here's the truth: EFFECT will never be more powerful than CAUSE.

So remain at cause. Own what you can control - which is you.

2. You Choose Your Reactions

Now that you understand that being at cause is more empowering, it's time to reclaim your response.

Because yes, it can feel like they're making you feel this way. But if we slow it down and look closely, it's their actions, what they said, and the information we read that trigger something inside us. It pisses you off because of what you make it mean and how it makes you feel.

The truth is they are just people, not superhumans with mind-control powers. So don't let them control yours.

Here are some questions I often use for myself and my clients  to bring the power back when reflecting on your emotions and how you are feeling with that person:

• What exactly did they do or say?

• What did I make that mean about me?

• Is that meaning true?

• Have I felt this way before in another situation?

• What part of me is reacting? Is the adult me or an older version of me still seeking safety?

• What do I want to feel instead?

When we pause and question, we regain choice. That's where your real power sits in the moment before you react. In the moment, you realise you have a say in how this plays out.

3. Anchor Into You

Recognise your emotions. Name them. Feel where they sit in your body. What shape do they take? What colour are they? Start doing this to cultivate the emotions you want to maintain: confidence, calmness, pride, and joy. Anchor into those. Rehearse those. Let them be the pathways you build.

And on a final note…

If you are a leader of people, whether in a workplace, a team, a household, or a community, I invite you to take a moment to check in with yourself. Like, REALLY CHECK IN with yourself.

Are you someone who is creating safety, growth, and trust?

Or could your words, tone, or energy be unintentionally creating confusion, fear, or shutdown?

We don't always realise the ripple effect of our leadership. However, the way we give feedback, hold space and celebrate others (or don't) all matter. It leaves an imprint. So, ask yourself honestly: Am I leading in a way that builds people up or slowly breaks them down?

Here's the thing: if you're running your fear agenda right now, where you want to look good in front of your bosses, and if you don't feel safe either, then that's what you're projecting down to your team.

Without a doubt, if you're feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, underappreciated, or out of alignment… your team will feel that too, and we never leave it at the door!

We don't lead from what we know.

We lead from what we are.

If you recognise this might be you, it's okay (you're human, after all!), but it's time to reflect. Use these questions and start making a real difference. You don't have to lead with fear or uncertainty:

• Am I reacting from a place of fear or leading from clarity?

• What am I currently projecting into my team or family, even unintentionally?

• Is my stress becoming someone else's burden?

• Am I more concerned about the outcomes of my leadership process?

• Where can I take better care of myself so I can show up better for others?

• What would leadership from calm, grounded energy look like today?

And remember…

You've worked too hard and gone through too much to let someone's opinion shrink your worth.

You are not the version of you that they see.

You are the version of you that you choose to build.

Every day, you have a choice to rewire that belief, to create a difference, to light up a new pathway, to rewrite the way you lead, and to take your power back.

So, are you leading from fear or freedom?

Are you breaking others... or building yourself?

Let's start there.

Love always

Vikki

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