How we perceive the world: Perception is Projection
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
One of the most fascinating things about human beings is how quickly we make up our minds about other people.
I see it everywhere. I hear it in coaching sessions, leadership teams, friendship groups, marriages, school playgrounds and workplaces. In fact, if I am being completely honest, I catch myself doing it too.
"They just want to get ahead."
"They don't care."
"She's stuck up."
"They're arrogant."
"They're not our people."
"They wouldn't like me."
What interests me isn't that we have these thoughts. We all do. What interests me is how quickly we start believing them.
A parent doesn't say hello at school pick-up, and suddenly, we have a story.
A leader walks past without acknowledging us, and suddenly we have a story.
A colleague gets promoted, and suddenly we have a story.
Someone speaks directly and confidently in a meeting, and suddenly we have a story.
The story forms so quickly that we often don't even realise it has happened. We stop seeing it as our interpretation and start seeing it as reality.
One of the concepts we teach in NLP is that perception is projection, and whilst it can feel uncomfortable at first, it is one of the most important concepts I have ever learnt.
When people first hear it, they often think it means that behaviour isn't real. That's not what it means at all. People absolutely behave in certain ways. Some people are blunt. Some people are kind. Some people are impatient. Some people are generous. Behaviour exists.
What perception is projection asks us to consider is whether the meaning we are attaching to that behaviour belongs entirely to the other person, or whether some of it belongs to us.
One of the reasons I find this topic so fascinating is that the human brain can only recognise behaviour it already understands.
Think about that for a moment.
The brain is constantly looking for patterns. It is constantly trying to make sense of what is happening around us. To identify a behaviour in another person, it needs a reference point. It needs something inside its own "filing cabinet" that says, "I know what that looks like."
Maybe you've experienced that behaviour before. Maybe you've witnessed someone else behaving that way. Maybe you've been on the receiving end of it. Or maybe, if we're being really honest, you've behaved that way yourself at some point in your life.
The point is, the brain cannot recognise what it has absolutely no reference for.
Which means every time we point at someone else's behaviour with absolute certainty, there is usually something worth becoming curious about, inside ourselves.
The reality is that none of us experiences the world exactly as it is. We experience it through our beliefs, our memories, our values, our fears, our past experiences and the meaning we have attached to all of those things. These are our personal filters.
Two people can witness the same interaction and walk away with completely different conclusions.
One person experiences confidence, and another experiences arrogance.
One person experiences direct communication, and another experiences criticism.
One person experiences leadership and another experiences control.
One person experiences ambition and another experiences selfishness.
The behaviour may be the same, yet the experience is completely different. Why?
Because the behaviour is being filtered through two completely different human beings. Have you ever had one of those moments where you are convinced you can see exactly who someone is, yet everyone else seems to have a completely different experience of them?
You think they're arrogant, and everyone else thinks they're confident.
You think they're dismissive, and everyone else thinks they're efficient.
You think they're playing games, and everyone else thinks they're strategic.
I've been there before, and it can be incredibly frustrating because you become convinced that you're the only person who can see what's really going on. Sometimes, however, we do the opposite. We gather a small clan of people around us who can see it too. We compare experiences, validate one another's opinions, and slowly build certainty that our perception must be the truth. Yet if perception is projection, what we may have gathered is a group of people who are all interpreting the same behaviour through their own history, beliefs and experiences. An agreement doesn't necessarily make something true. Sometimes it simply makes the perceived truth feel more convincing.
What I've learned is that in that moment, becoming curious rather than certain could be a good way forward. Because if other people are having a completely different experience of someone, even if my little clan of ‘same thinkers’ validates my thoughts, I owe it to myself and others to at least consider that perhaps a part of what I'm experiencing might belong to me.
That doesn't mean the other person is perfect. It doesn't mean their behaviour is always appropriate. It doesn't mean we excuse poor behaviour. It simply means we stop treating our opinion as evidence.
One of the greatest lessons I have learnt in leadership is that my opinions are not facts. My judgments are not reality; my interpretation is not proof; it is simply my interpretation.
That doesn't mean I ignore behaviour, and most certainly doesn't mean I allow poor behaviour and forget my boundaries. What it means is that before I become certain about who someone is, I try to be curious about what I might be bringing to the situation.
I think this is particularly important when we talk about psychological safety in organisations.
We often speak about psychological safety as though it were entirely the leader's responsibility. Now, before anyone panics, leadership responsibility and accountability matter. The way leaders communicate, behave and respond has a significant impact on the people around them. However, I think we sometimes place an impossible expectation on leaders.
We expect them to communicate perfectly, manage perfectly, regulate perfectly and somehow predict every interpretation every individual will create. That's impossible.
A leader can do a tremendous amount of work on themselves. They can become more self-aware, more emotionally intelligent and more thoughtful in their communication. But if someone's behaviour reminds you of a teacher who made you feel insignificant, a parent who dismissed your opinion, a bully from school or a past manager who constantly criticised you, there is work for you to do as well.
The reality is that two people can hear the same sentence and have completely different emotional responses to it, not because the sentence is highly nuanced, but rather because of the meaning attached to it - and that meaning lives inside the listener.
When I work with clients who are struggling with a leader, or a colleague or even a family member, the breakthrough rarely comes from changing the person in front of them. The breakthrough often comes from understanding what they are making that person's behaviour mean.
Sometimes the trigger is linked to feeling dismissed.
Sometimes it is linked to feeling unimportant.
Sometimes it is linked to feeling criticised, rejected or not good enough.
When we unpack the meaning underneath the reaction, something interesting happens.
The emotional charge starts to shift. The person in front of them may not change at all, but what changes is their response, their perspective, their perception, and their ability to separate the behaviour from the story they have been telling themselves about it. For me, this is where real growth begins.
The moment we stop assuming our perception is reality and start asking whether there could be another way of looking at the situation, we create something incredibly valuable.
We create choice, and choice changes everything.
So this week, every time you find yourself saying, “They’re arrogant”, “They don’t care”, “They’re controlling”, “They’re trying to get ahead”, or “They’re not our people”, pause for a moment.
Maybe you’re right.
Maybe you’re not.
But before you become certain, ask yourself one question.
Is this actually what is occurring, or am I projecting meaning onto this situation?
That's split-second, that moment, it takes you to ask that question, could fundamentally change your mind.
Your friend,
Vikki
In this blog, I've shared just a glimpse of a few NLP concepts and techniques. If this sparks your curiosity and you'd like to explore more, or even consider becoming an NLP Practitioner yourself, we'd be delighted to welcome you to our in-person NLP certification training. Our next sessions are scheduled to run in Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane in 2026. We'd love to see you at one of these NLP training sessions.
Click here to learn more about our NLP Certification Training and secure your place.
_________________________________________________________________________
DISCLAIMER FOR GENERAL HEALTH CONTENT
The information and recommendations provided in our videos, presentations, webinars, e-books, online courses, blog, website and all other digital materials (together ‘Content’) are based on our own research, experience and views. The information is intended to be general information, covering general health issues and common life. Whilst we try our best to ensure that the information in our Content is accurate, sometimes there may be errors, inaccuracies or new research that has not been included.
We hope you find this information helpful but please be aware that any information, recommendations or comments may not be suitable for your particular circumstances and you should not take anything in our Content as personal advice. The information in our Content is offered in good faith and it is not specific to any one person or any personal circumstances.
For this reason, we cannot be held liable for any decisions you make based on any of our Content, information, recommendations or views. Any decision you take based on information in this Content is done at your own risk and any consequences, as a result, are your own. You shall indemnify this website, business, its directors and employees for any and all claims, whether resulting directly or indirectly from your actions based on our Content.
Comments by the moderator are the views of the person posting only and are not intended to be taken as advice for you personally. The persons posting and providing the information are not necessarily health professionals and should you need specific advice for your circumstances, you should consult your own health or medical professional.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
This Content is the copyright of Vikki Da Rocha and Jorge Da Rocha t/a Momentum Growth Coaching © 2026. All rights reserved. Any redistribution or reproduction of part or all of the Content in any form is prohibited.
You may not share, copy or redistribute this Content in any medium or format at any time. Our Content is for your individual personal use only and may not be used for commercial purposes. You are not permitted to make any derivative material, including but not limited to copying, reproducing, transforming, sharing or building upon the Content in whole or any part thereof. For any other use or distribution, you must have express written consent from Momentum Growth Coaching.
