The feelings themselves are rarely the problem.

This week, I had the absolute joy and privilege of watching my daughter perform in a show. It was called A Night with the Musicians, and it celebrated all the musical aspects of her school. The children who take up instruments and choir were all performing for us.

Now, this was my first ever big concert as a parent, so I was feeling all sorts of butterflies in my tummy. I could not stop smiling.

The programs were handed out, and I was so excited, but what happened before the curtains raised and the lights went down was my biggest lesson in mind health, and I want to share with you what happened before the kids stepped onto the stage.

So, we went to meet my daughter before the show. There was a 20-minute window to feed her, fix her hair and polish her shoes. (I don't know how parents of multiple performing kids do it – three cheers to you all!).

She was busy eating some food while I did her hair. I was watching her closely, her face, her eyes, just checking in on what might be going through her head. I think she was more excited about having a takeaway in the boot, and those... can I call them chicken nuggets?... than the actual performance.

While sitting with her, I said,

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

Right now, I'm getting into a very real teachable moment.

Ordinarily, before I learnt about language impact, I would very innocently say to my daughter and my niece, who does huge gymnastics competitions,

"How are you feeling? Nervous?"

This seemingly innocent question can actually have the wrong effect on people.

You see, when we give an example of the emotion someone might be feeling, we start embedding that possibility within their thinking.

How?

Well, the brain can only understand a word if it creates a representation of that word in a split second. Meaning we pull up the words like nervous, we check it out, and then decide whether we feel that way or not.

But by the time we have done that, we have already started feeling the effect of checking in on that word.

So, by offering an emotion to someone, we can unintentionally encourage them to experience it.

How crazy is that?

Without meaning to, we are activating a nervous response in our kids, or anyone we do this to, every time we ask that question.

In fact, I think we ask it that way because we ourselves are nervous for them and want it confirmed.

So let me bring you back to the moment.

I was curious about how she was feeling, but I wanted to know from her.

So I kept my question simple.

"How are you feeling about your show?"

To which she replied,

"Oh Mum, how am I feeling? I'm feeling a little bit of butterflies and funny in my tummy, maybe nervous."

With that, I remembered two beautiful messages.

One from my dear Mum.

And one from an amazing woman I happened to come across on Instagram.

I said,

"Well, do you know something? Your Granny, my mummy, used to say something to me when I had performances at school. Do you want to know what it is?"

She looked at me.

I said, "Did you know that feeling in your tummy, which you described as butterflies, funny or maybe nerves, feels exactly the same as excitement? It just depends on how you look at it."

"And do you know what that butterfly feeling really is? It's actually your body cheering for you because it's so excited that you're about to do something really cool."

As soon as I said that to her, she smiled.

A real smile.

And then it was time to whisk her off backstage.

So I simply looked at her and said,

"You've got this."

And she went in.

The first performances were so beautiful.

Listening to these kids play instruments and learn something so creative through music, it just makes you realise how amazing we are at learning and trying new things, no matter how old we are.

A tiny girl, about six years old, got up and sang one of my favourite songs, A Million Dreams.

Watching her stand there, shoulders stretched out, looking out into the crowd, smiling, I thought,

Well, if she can do it, then I can most certainly do it when I need to network or speak publicly.

What a wonderful thing to learn at such a young age.

While enjoying the performances, they suddenly announced that the Year 1 to 3 choir was coming on stage.

I watched Amelia like a hawk.

I could not take my eyes off her.

She was smiling, doing all her actions and following the teacher's instructions.

And you know what? She was really smiling. The kind of smile that comes from the inside out. She was beaming. And that look on her face was a little girl who had told herself, "My body is cheering for me because it's excited." And you could see it. You could really see it. Because she was shining from her mouth all the way up through her eyes.

And that was so precious.

When she got off stage, I was there waiting for her. She came running towards me with a huge smile.

"I did it, Mummy! I did it!"

I said, "Yes, you did." Then I asked, "How are you feeling now?"

She said, "I loved it. I feel so proud. I feel so good. It was amazing."

I said, "It looked like you were really enjoying it."

We then sat down and watched the rest of the show.

Oh my goodness. The voices. The instruments.

I particularly loved the jazz band. They were the seniors, and they were incredible. I kept saying to Amelia:

"Look how fantastic they are," and "Look how brave they are."

On the way home, I asked her what had been happening backstage before they came out. What she said totally surprised me. She said,

"Oh, you know that boy who was singing the solo?" - and by the way, he had the most amazing voice. I said, "Yes."

And she said,

"He was doing silly jokes backstage with us and making us laugh!"

And I thought: that kid knows something about how to get into a good mental state. Because he sang two solos in front of everyone, and yet backstage, he was making little kids laugh. He knows a trick or two about mindset and putting yourself into the right state for success.

Because here's the thing. I've done it before myself.

If you're about to walk into something unknown, something that feels a little scary, you've got to laugh. You've got to do the opposite of what the body would do if it felt unsafe.

The body wants to shrink. Go quiet. Go small.

But instead, you've got to laugh. You've got to breathe. You've got to create space - and there was this Year 12 boy doing exactly that.

Not only helping himself but helping everyone around him.

You must change your state to change the feeling.

Mind Reset 101.

So, I went into a show purely to watch my daughter perform and give her love and light, yet I walked away feeling absolutely blessed by the mindset these kids already have.

My daughter walked onto that stage believing her body was cheering for her. A Year 12 student knew laughter was the quickest way to open himself up and feel good before stepping into something challenging.

And the third thing that really mattered to me was making sure I let my child decide how she felt about the event.

We place emotions onto our kids before they even have a chance to figure out what they feel. Come to think of it, we do this with adults, too. During stressful times, we ask, "Are you stressed?"

Before presentations, we ask, "Are you nervous?"

We tell people they're busy. We tell people they look tired. And in all honesty, I think these very innocent observations are often more about us than they are about them. Perhaps we are seeking validation. Perhaps we are hoping they feel what we feel. Let's stop placing our emotions on our kids. Let's stop placing them on the people around us. Let's start becoming more curious. Let's remove the assumptions. Let's create space for people to tell us what they are feeling rather than telling them what they should be feeling. Let's just, for a moment, see the possibility of things going well.

Maybe that is why this night has stayed with me.

Not because of the music. Not because of the performances. But because a group of children reminded me of something I think many of us forget as adults. The feeling itself is rarely the problem.

The butterflies.

The racing heart.

The shaky hands.

The lump in your throat before a difficult conversation.

The nerves before a presentation.

The uncertainty before a big decision.

Most of us spend our lives trying to get rid of those feelings. But what if they were never the thing standing in our way? What if the real question isn't, "How do I stop feeling this?" What if the real question is, "What meaning am I giving this feeling?"

Because that night I watched a little girl decide that the butterflies in her tummy were excitement. I watched a Year 12 student choose laughter instead of fear. And I was reminded that courage is not the absence of uncomfortable feelings.

Courage is deciding what those feelings mean before they decide for you. So whatever is happening in your life this week, whether there is a conversation you need to have, a decision you need to make, a stage you need to step onto or a dream you are trying to bring to life, perhaps the butterflies are not there to stop you.

Perhaps they are simply your body doing exactly what Amelia believed hers was doing that night.

Cheering you on, because you are about to do something really great.

Your friend,

Vikki

In this blog, I've shared just a glimpse of a few NLP concepts and techniques. If this sparks your curiosity and you'd like to explore more, or even consider becoming an NLP Practitioner yourself, we'd be delighted to welcome you to our in-person NLP certification training. Our next sessions are scheduled to run in Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane in 2026. We'd love to see you at one of these NLP training sessions.

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