Untangle the past and rediscover your identity.

Dr Gabor Maté says:

"Trauma really is like a puppet master behind the scenes and the unconscious pulling your strings, and you're not aware of it."

That comment has stayed with me for a while now, and the conversation around identity has been rippling through chats with friends and clients in recent weeks.

So here I am, writing to you about how our past, our personal history, shapes our identity and, most importantly, how to break away from the old identities we no longer need, which were never truly ours, and how to rediscover your true identity again.

I was speaking to a wonderful client recently who had been struggling with people-pleasing. The moment someone mentioned a problem or hinted that something hadn't been 'handled' correctly, they would immediately assume it was their fault. The story would spiral in their mind, already preparing a defence for something that hadn't even happened yet. The fear of rejection, failure, or not pleasing someone senior felt deeply personal.

And you know what? Most of us can relate. I certainly can.

Here's where it got interesting: whenever I hear a strong emotional reaction, my curiosity kicks in. I always ask, "How often does this happen?" And usually, the answer is, "I've always been like this."

And that's what Dr Maté is referring to. These are the invisible strings, where we know consciously that we shouldn't feel or react this way, yet we do. It feels almost out-of-body. We spiral into behaviours we know aren't serving us but can't seem to stop.

Because the actual event isn't the problem. It's the trigger. The real issue started much earlier in life. That's where the trauma began.

So I asked my client, "If you were to know, or to guess, when was the first time you felt this way? That you didn't want to be rejected? That failing felt unbearable?"

They paused… and then beautifully shared a story from childhood, a memory of trying to befriend a group of kids who rejected them. The small, tender version of themselves didn't know how to process that pain, so a string was formed without realising it.

But here's the part they'd never seen: they met someone else on that very same day, a lonely child who welcomed their friendship. That child became their best friend, still close to this day.

You see, the trauma only remembered the pain, the rejection, and the loneliness. The nervous system held onto that moment so tightly that it forgot the healing that followed just hours later. When we took the time to understand the full story, everything changed.

That string was cut. A new foundation was laid, built on presence, capability, and love.

And the impact? That same client now leads their team with confidence and openness, no longer driven by the fear of rejection or the need to please.

The incredible thing is that we're all trying to understand ourselves, trying to believe in who we are, trying to find our identity in the midst of all the noise.

But the noise is not the real issue. The strings, the invisible threads, keep us reacting in ways that no longer match who we are becoming.

How can we expect to support our families, raise our kids, and lead our teams if we don't understand what's pulling our strings?

We tell ourselves, "I won't parent like they did," or "I'll be a better boss," - but unless we explore what's happening beneath the surface, those old patterns will find their way back in.

Another friend recently shared how they always feel pressure to work hard, anticipate every possible mistake, and double-check everything. They wore it like a badge: "I'm just cautious and meticulous."

And yes, they are. But when I asked, "How is that working for you?" They admitted it was exhausting. They were constantly 'on', never able to switch off. Their boss had even said, "Stop being so meticulous, we need to meet deadlines," but still, they couldn't let go.

When I asked, "When did that start? When did making a mistake begin to feel so unsafe?" They immediately spoke about one of their parents and how they saw them work tirelessly to avoid failure, to get everything just right.

And so the string was formed.

You see, we're all born whole and complete. The imprints, lessons, moments, and things we witness and feel shape our understanding of the world.

So I wonder…

Are we brave enough to question what we've accepted as "who we are"?

Are we willing to get curious about why we've become this way?

When it comes to understanding myself, I choose curiosity and kindness, not blame. It doesn't really matter what others did or didn't do. The truth lies in how I felt, what I processed, and how I came to identify with each moment.

I love the saying: "If you can point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you."

That means whatever I recognise in someone else, I've likely experienced myself. It reminds me there are still parts of me searching for understanding, healing, and change.

So, here are two small but powerful ways to start recognising the patterns and the questions to ask yourself to begin unhooking the invisible strings:

1. Get curious, not critical

Recognise the patterns. I remember crying to Jorge, asking why I felt the same way every time something happened at work, even across different countries and roles. Eventually, I stopped judging it and started getting curious.

What was the common denominator? (Me.)

Why did it keep showing up? Was it the facts or my perception?

What feeling did it trigger in me? And when had I felt this before?

The shift came when I stopped blaming and started exploring.

2. When was the first time?

Ask yourself: If I were to know or guess, when might I have first felt this way?

How old was I?

What was happening?

Did I have the support I needed at the time?

Sometimes, the root isn't something huge or dramatic; it could simply be a moment when your younger self didn't get a hug, an explanation, or a chance to process what happened. But that's where healing begins.

Finally, if the patterns are lingering longer than you'd like and if the identity you long for is still drowned out by the noise of your past, please reach out.

This is what I live for.

This is my purpose.

This is to help you remember who you are, break the puppet strings of the past, and move forward, free and aligned with who you've always been underneath it all.

And trust me, when you do, you'll finally learn how to breathe again.

Love,

Me

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