Reframing: Could There Be Another Alternative?
- 11 minutes ago
- 6 min read
Wow. We have just finished seven days in Sydney certifying an incredible group of leaders, coaches and parents in NLP. As I reflect on the week, one lesson really stood out.
So much of what we teach isn't actually about changing the person in front of you. It is about looking at how you are perceiving what is happening, how you are creating meaning around it, and then asking yourself one simple question:
Could there be another alternative?
This is the power of a reframe.
During the week, we spent time refining this skill. There are two particular philosophies I want to share with you because they sound incredibly simple. Still, when you actually start applying them to your life, your relationships, your children and the people you work with, they can completely shift what you see.
The first is:
All behaviour has a positive intention.
Now, this is an incredible way of considering what is happening in front of you.
Imagine you have a child who is screaming and shouting. Our first response can so easily be to focus on the behaviour. They're being difficult. They're not listening. They're overreacting.
But what happens if instead you ask:
What could be the positive intention behind this behaviour?
Maybe they need to be noticed. Maybe they need to be held. Maybe they need to feel seen. Maybe they're frustrated because there is something they need to communicate, and they don't yet know how.
The behaviour hasn't necessarily changed, but suddenly, you have another way of looking at it.
The same can happen at work.
Perhaps someone isn't producing results at the standard you would normally expect from them. Maybe they're slower than usual, distracted, making mistakes or behaving in a way that is frustrating you.
Before deciding what the behaviour means, what if you paused and asked yourself:
What could be the positive intention here?
There may be something happening at home. They may be trying desperately to get something right. They may be overwhelmed. They may need something you simply don't know about yet.
It doesn't mean we ignore the behaviour or that standards don't matter. It simply gives us a moment to pause before we decide we know what it means, and we can do the same with ourselves.
If I am feeling irritated or annoyed with the family, rather than making that feeling mean something about them or our relationship, I can become curious about what is happening for me.
Maybe we haven't had much time to connect properly, and I'm feeling disconnected; that irritation is telling me something, and suddenly I have somewhere different to go with it.
The second reframe asks us to consider:
Nothing has meaning except the meaning we give it.
This one is incredibly powerful because over the seven days, every single student started noticing just how often they were putting meaning onto things. And the meaning we give something comes through our lens, our filters and our perception.
Someone doesn't respond to your message.
Your boss walks past without saying hello.
Your child gives you a particular look.
Your friend hasn't called.
Your partner seems distracted.
Something happens, and almost instantly we create meaning around it.
They're annoyed with me.
I've done something wrong.
They don't respect me.
They don't care.
Something is wrong.
But is that actually true? Do you have all of the information, or is that simply the meaning you have given it?
This is where reframing gives us another choice.
Nothing has meaning except the meaning I give it. So what am I making this mean?
We did an exercise around this on Day Five, and by this stage the group had already started noticing how differently they were thinking about communication, behaviour and the people around them.
One incredible person said to me:
"I've been working with a square of information. Now I have a cube."
I loved that.
Because that is exactly what this work starts to do.
It gives you more angles, more information, more possibilities and ultimately, more choice.
For this group, something as simple as these two reframes helped them begin to shift the assumptions they had been carrying in their own lives. It gave them another way of looking at some genuinely difficult situations they were navigating.
They have now returned to their everyday lives, workplaces, and families, and feedback has already started coming in.
Someone commented that one of our students looked like she had been to a spa because she seemed so relaxed and open.
Another noticed that situations that would usually have created conflict in their everyday life simply weren't triggering the same reaction anymore.
The situation in front of them hadn't necessarily changed.
But the meaning they were giving it had.
When the meaning changes, the behaviour changes too, which ultimately affects what happens next, and this is where the real learning sits.
We can spend so much time wanting the person, the behaviour or the circumstances in front of us to change, without noticing the part we are playing.
When we change the meaning, we give something; we create the opportunity to respond differently, and that different response can completely change the interaction that follows.
The circumstances around us don't always immediately change. The people around us don't always change. Still, the one thing we can begin to take responsibility for is ourselves, and that is what I watched this incredible group do over seven days.
They decided to read and learn the "manuscript to their mind".
To understand what is actually happening beneath some of their automatic thinking, default reactions and instinctive assumptions, and to recognise that they have freedom in how they want to think and choice in the next step they take.
It doesn't mean negative thinking disappears; they can absolutely still go there. The difference is that now they have tools to help them get out of the negative thinking faster.
So this week, the next time you notice yourself bothered by someone's behaviour, or you catch yourself making something mean something, try these two simple reframes:
Nothing has meaning except the meaning I give it.
What am I making this mean?
And:
All behaviour has a positive intention. What could the positive intention behind this behaviour be?
You don't need to know the answer immediately. Sometimes the power is simply in asking the question. Because the moment we realise there could be another alternative, we give ourselves another choice.
I look forward to hearing your reframes.
Bye for now,
Vikki
In this blog, I've shared just a glimpse of a few NLP concepts and techniques. If this sparks your curiosity and you'd like to explore more, or even consider becoming an NLP Practitioner yourself, we'd be delighted to welcome you to our in-person NLP certification training. Our next sessions are scheduled to run both in person and online in 2026 and 2027. We'd love to see you at one of these NLP training sessions.
Click here to learn more about our NLP Certification Training and secure your place.
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