Why focusing on what you don't want doesn't work
- Vikki da Rocha
- Aug 21
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 27
It is funny how much easier it is to say what we do not want.
I do not want to feel stressed.
I do not want to work late every night.
I do not want another year to pass feeling like this.
There is a reason this comes so naturally. Focusing on what we do not want is an avoidance tactic. It is comfortable because it does not require much of us. We do not have to imagine anything new or stretch ourselves. We simply point to what exists (or what we fear might happen) and reject it.
But saying what we do want? That is a different conversation entirely. It takes clarity, courage, and commitment. It requires us to be specific, to hold a picture in our minds of what life could look like, and then to take action to move towards it.
The cultural discomfort with wanting
There is another reason we avoid speaking our desires out loud. Many of us have been conditioned to put others first. Our worth has been tied, often quietly, to how much we care, serve, and support. Declaring "this is what I want" can feel selfish, as though claiming space for ourselves somehow takes it from someone else.
So we soften it. We hide behind the safe negative. "I do not want this…" or "I just do not want to end up like that…" feels easier than "I want more money", "I want more time for myself", or "I want a completely different career."
But safe language keeps us in safe patterns.
Why the brain fixates on the negative
From a neuroscience perspective, your brain does not really understand "do not" in the way you might hope. The moment you say, "I do not want to be stressed," your brain first has to build a mental image of "being stressed" to know what to avoid.
It is called the ironic process theory, identified by Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner. The more you try not to think about something, the more your brain will check in on it. Tell yourself "Do not think about a pink elephant" and, there it is, pink ears, trunk, the lot.
This is the hidden cost of focusing on what you don't want: Your unconscious mind treats your words and images as instructions. If you keep naming the things you do not want, you are giving it a brief to search for and track them. And because the unconscious mind's job is to keep you safe, you end up scanning for problems instead of spotting opportunities.
A safari lesson from my homeland
Think of a herd of deer on safari. What is a deer's primary goal? Is it to find a lush meadow, graze in peace, and live in abundance? Not really. Their primary drive is: Do not get eaten.
Their eyes sit on the sides of their heads for a 310° field of vision. Their ears swivel like radar dishes, tuned to detect the faintest sound. They are constantly on alert. That is brilliant for survival in the wild, but it is not a model for a fulfilled human life.
We are not deer. Our eyes are on the front of our heads for a reason: to focus forward, to track, to pursue. We are designed to seek, not just to avoid. Yet so many of us live as though we are still prey, head on a swivel, always braced for what might go wrong, constantly focusing on what we don't want.
When I caught myself doing it
I remember a time when I was convinced I was "just being realistic" about a project. I kept saying things like, "I do not want to lose momentum," "I do not want to disappoint anyone," "I do not want to waste the opportunity."
On paper, those sounded reasonable. But in reality, my mind was so busy making sure none of those things happened that I had no energy left to focus on what I did want. The result? My actions were hesitant, cautious, and reactive.
The moment I shifted my language to "I want to create something I am proud of," "I want to inspire people with this," "I want to learn new skills in the process," my energy changed completely. Suddenly, my decisions were bold, creative, and future-focused. And funnily enough, all those things I had been trying to avoid? They never happened.
Flipping from avoidance to attraction
When you live in avoidance mode, your focus narrows to "not this, not that." Life becomes about dodging the bad rather than creating the good. You might avoid the worst, but you rarely reach the best.
When you stop focusing on what you don't want and start naming what you do want, you begin to live in attraction mode. You are orienting yourself towards something clear and positive. You are telling your mind and body, "This is where we are going." When that message is consistent, your unconscious mind starts working with you instead of against you.
Your little experiment for this week
I would like you to try something.
Ask as many friends or family members as you can a simple question about what they really want.
It does not need to be profound or life-changing.
It could be:
"So, what do you want for dinner?"
"Where do you want to go this weekend?"
"What is next in your career?"
Then observe how they respond.
Do they light up and give a clear answer? Or do they hesitate, circle around the edges, or default to "I do not mind" or "I just do not want…"?
It is a fascinating window into how often we are trained to think in terms of avoiding what we do not want, rather than naming what we do.
Mini exercise: Reframe your language
Write down three things you do not want right now. Example: "I do not want to feel drained at the end of the day."
Flip them into positives. Example: "I want to have enough energy to enjoy my evenings."
Visualise the outcome in detail. See it, hear it, feel it.
Say it out loud. "I want to see…" "I see myself…" "When I achieve that, I feel…"
Notice what shifts. Energy, mood, and even body language often change when your focus changes.
The choice we have
Deer cannot opt out of vigilance. But we can. We can choose not to live under the shadow of "what if something goes wrong" and instead stand in the light of "this is where I am going."
And here is the important part: this is not a one-off exercise. Because it is so easy for the brain to default into the negative, this shift takes practice. You will not perfect it straight away. What happens is that you begin noticing when you phrase something in terms of what you do not want. That is the moment of power. That is when you can pause, consciously stop, and restructure the thought into a positive instruction.
Over time, this becomes a habit. You train yourself to surface the map your unconscious mind needs, and the more clearly you feed it those positive directions, the more effectively it can move you forward.
Be intentional. Be deliberate. Speak your future into being, not just once, but again and again, and watch how your unconscious mind begins to carve out the path to take you there.
Chat soon,
Jorge
In this blog, I've shared just a glimpse of a few NLP concepts and techniques. If this sparks your curiosity and you'd like to explore more, or even consider becoming an NLP Practitioner yourself, we'd be delighted to welcome you to our in-person NLP certification training. Our next sessions are scheduled to run in Melbourne this October and in Sydney in December 2025.
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