The Stories That Still Shape Us. How Our Past Shapes Our Identity.
- Vikki da Rocha
- Sep 5
- 7 min read
Dear lovely humans,
There's a moment that has stayed with one of my clients that I'd like to share. In truth, it is the type of moment that many of us experience in our lives, beginning in childhood and continuing through to the shaping of our identity in adulthood.
She was about ten. Dressed in sequins and nerves, ready to perform her part in a school dance. The music began, and she missed a step. Just a beat, nothing more, but in that moment, from the back of the room, came a sharp voice, a family member's offhand comment, wrapped in frustration:
"Honestly, you're so clumsy. Can't you get anything right?"
It wasn't meant as a life sentence. But when we're young, the mind soaks up meaning like a sponge. That sentence, spoken once, carved itself into her, and it didn't stay on the stage. It accompanied her through exams, relationships, motherhood, and work.
Decades later, every missed deadline, every imperfect meal, every unreturned text seemed to whisper the same story:
"You should have done better."
She tried and tried. Perfection became her protector and overachievement, her armour.
What we gently uncovered in our work together was that the voice criticising her was likely echoing its own wound. A script passed down, perhaps from someone who once heard the same sharp words. Who hadn't learned a better way. Who had never been given the tools to speak love instead of pressure. Hurt often travels until someone chooses to heal it.
That's where the real reframe begins.
She didn't fail; she was learning.
That comment wasn't the truth; it was unprocessed pain, projected from someone else.
That moment doesn't define her; it offers her a choice. The turning point comes when we recognise: you are not only the product of your past, you are the pattern-breaker of your future.
I know this, not just because of my clients, but because I've lived it too.
The Moment That Changed Everything
Over the past 14 days, I've been back in the student seat, deepening my skillset in Teaching NLP. It has been intensive, with many presentations in front of esteemed NLP Master Educators and a 6-hour exam to seal the deal, so it's been a pretty big week. There was one moment in particular that will stay with me forever.
Let me set the scene.
We were asked to stand in front of our peers and face our worst fear when it comes to training and educating others. Once we'd named it, they would act it out. And our job? To stay anchored, to keep leading and holding space while dealing with the unfolding chaos.
I'd watched a few people go before me, and I thought: hey, I've got this. I've had my fair share of characters in the room. I'll be fine.
I stood up, with a strong pose and confident tone, and began teaching, but this was different; this felt personal. This was my worst fear, playing out in real-time.
The intensity of it hit me like a wave. I started to shrink. I could feel my face getting hot and the tears welling up, but I kept going. I tried to stay confident and asked them to hold their comments until the end; then I began explaining myself and justifying.
It was as if I were watching myself in a film.
What am I doing? Why am I proving myself? I know who I am, and yet…
Then I saw her, she was ten years old, constantly teased at school, bullied about my weight, whispered about when she had to get up in front of class, she was so lonely. It all came tumbling back. The worst part is that it got to me, and I broke. I told the class I couldn't take any more and burst into tears.
Just like that, the exercise ended, but the lesson had only just begun. Feedback was immediate. After all, we are professionals, and we need to continue learning and moving forward. So, I stood up in front of everyone, my face flushed, my hands clammy, and my heart pounding.
Here's what they said:
It started well.
I kept the space.
I had the room.
Then something shifted. I began defending and explaining, as if I were trying to prove myself to them. In that moment, I lost confidence, because I wasn't leading from the woman I am now; I was reacting as the girl I once was. That same girl who'd learned that if you're not clever, not perfect, not quite enough, then you're not worthy of being seen.
In that moment, I had a choice.
Try again. Or finish. I chose to try again.
This time, I anchored myself, spoke to the ten-year-old girl inside me, and told her she was safe now, that she was beautiful, worthy, and didn't need to fight for her place. I invited her to come with me, but this time, I was leading the way.
The team began acting again. They are exceptionally good at acting! The same voices, the same scenario, but this time, something else took over, and a different voice came out of me, calm, clear, and determined.
"With respect, I do not appreciate being spoken to like that. If this space isn't right for you, you're free to leave. But if you choose to stay, I believe you'll find the grace, love and kindness you most likely need right now. The choice is yours."
The room went silent.
Then they all stood and cheered.
Not because I performed, but because I chose to heal in front of them, letting it be messy and real.
Later that night, I had to hold my space again. A moment of challenge came up, and this time, that person knew not to push. Not because I was louder, but because I was grounded.
This is what my teacher reminded me of:
When people speak harshly and try to cut you down, it's not always about you. It's their own inner child, crying out to be seen, and they've learned to do it by stepping on someone else, because that's what they were taught.
That moment didn't just stretch me. It changed me.
My worst fears became my greatest lesson and my most profound healing.
This Is the Work
Taking this even further, many renowned psychologists have spoken to us about the impact of labels and the lessons learned from our youth. Much like my 10-year-old self at school, I don't remember all the faces of those who teased me. Still, I do remember the words that imprinted themselves during a time when I was most likely in need of feeling a sense of belonging.
Renowned Swiss psychologist Alice Miller, in The Drama of the Gifted Child, describes how children learn to perform for love, believing perfection secures acceptance.
Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, demonstrates how unhealed childhood pain persists in the body, shaping our adult identities until we acknowledge it, feel it, and choose to rewire it.
This is where it all starts to make sense.
That client I mentioned, the little girl in sequins, who got told she was clumsy and not good enough, she didn't just remember the moment. She relived it over and over again, through every high-pressure situation, every moment she felt judged or uncertain. Her adult self kept trying to out-achieve that childhood shame.
The same happened to me. Standing in a room of peers, fully grown and fully qualified, yet I found myself trying to prove, defend, and justify. Not because I didn't know what I was doing, but because my 10-year-old self, the one who'd been bullied and felt unworthy, took the lead.
This is how the unconscious works.
It hides our deepest stories behind the scenes, waiting for just the right moment to say, 'You're still holding this.' Are you ready to let it go?
When we finally stop pushing it down or running from ourselves, something compelling happens. We see the pattern, we recognise we no longer require it, and we have a breakthrough.
That's what happened for me and for so many of my clients. That's why I believe in this work with my whole heart: once you start to uncover the labels you've been living under, you begin to see that none of them were ever truly yours, and from that moment on, you get to choose differently. With grace, courage and the kind of clarity that shifts everything.
Let's Go Further, Together
NLP gives us the tools to do precisely that.
It teaches us how beliefs are formed and how to update them.
It teaches us how to change the conversation within ourselves and then with our partners, our children, and our teams.
Here are a few questions to let yourself feel seen. When you are ready, ask yourself:
Whose voice still echoes in my self-talk?
What label am I still wearing that no longer fits?
What belief is my inner child still clinging to, and am I ready to give her something new to hold onto?
These are the types of questions we grapple with in our work, especially in our one-on-one sessions, as we support the incredible clients with whom we have the privilege of walking beside. Gently untangling the stories, reframing the beliefs, and letting go of the old lessons no longer required.
With those 14 days, I am now honoured to continue holding the space in our NLP Certifications for anyone who wants to go deeper in their personal and professional learning. Discovering how the unconscious mind really works, and to learn the skills to help not only themselves but those around them.
It's not just knowledge.
It's a life-changing framework that helps you:
Release outdated beliefs without shame
Understand and support others with compassion
Speak the language of choice and possibility
Lead yourself and those around you with clarity, emotional intelligence, and grace
Whether you're a coach, a leader, a parent, or someone simply craving deeper alignment, this work will transform not only how you think, but how you live and lead.
If something in this letter stirred something within you… that quiet "yes"… let it guide you, because you're not just here to carry the past; you're here to rewrite the future.
With warmth, humility, and belief in you,
Vikki
_________________________________
In this blog, I've shared just a glimpse of a few NLP concepts and techniques. If this sparks your curiosity and you'd like to explore more, or even consider becoming an NLP Practitioner yourself, we'd be delighted to welcome you to our in-person NLP certification training. Our next sessions are scheduled to run in Melbourne this October and in Sydney in December 2025.
Click here to learn more about our NLP Certification Training and secure your place.
